why I can’t go to the hardware store by my house, ever again.

I went to the hardware store today, to get some Dap Kwik Seal for an art class, and also because my boyfriend’s machismo broke the handle of our toilet and I needed to fix it because his machismo does not extend to fixing toilets. As often happens, when I am allowed out into the world, some hilarity ensued.

I asked the rather burly, long haired, biker looking clerk where I might find the toilet handles. We were doing okay – he thought I did not need the more expensive handle, but I liked the look of the brushed chrome better than the white plastic of the cheaper model, and he recommended I get one with a metal arm instead of plastic. Negotiations were going well. It was going great. And then I asked him where I might find the Kwik Seal because I do not do much hardware type shopping (so do not know the aisles of my local ACE hardware store as well as, say, Ralph’s or Trader Joe’s), and the clerk said, “well what’s it for?” and I was all, “An art class.”

“We don’t sell art supplies.”

“Right. I know. You’re a hardware store. Which is why I am also buying a toilet flusher arm thingie. We’re using the stuff for art but you buy it in hardware stores.”

“What’s it for?”

“Well I don’t know what it’s for REALLY, I don’t do handy… things… but it’s, like, molding…. stuff… paste? It’s paste. That molds. I need it for art class and I know it’s here because they SAID the hardware store.”

And then I realized that probably he didn’t know that brand name, so he was looking for some kind of category which was why he was asking “what is it for” and molding paste stuff is a lot like what I remember caulk being like, so in a burst of brilliance, I yelled, “CAULK. I need caulk. Really big, thick, white, caulk.”

Except, the “ell” is silent in caulk. At least, I think it is? That’s how I always pronounce it anyway. We stared at each other in dawning, wide eyed horror, as it sunk in what I had just yelled… and then he silently led me to the caulk guns and tubes of handy Dap stuff, and left as quickly as he could.

There was a handyman looking kind of guy one aisle over who had been eavesdropping on our conversation and he was still on the floor laughing when I paid for my stuff and left.

I have just been reliably informed that I got the wrong size. My caulk is too small.

Which means, I need to go back tomorrow. For bigger. Um. Caulk.

On second thought, I may just go to Home Depot.


About Maia Rainwood

Owner and Maker at Maia Rainwood Design. Wearable art for wise women, birth keepers, witches, and world-builders.
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30 Responses to why I can’t go to the hardware store by my house, ever again.

  1. Shawna J. says:

    Oh dear… *keels over laughing*

  2. DataGoddess says:

    I hope I didn’t just wake up Dan with that howl of laughter I just let out!!!

    Rainy, honey, you should really pronounce the ‘l’. caaaalllllkkkkkk.

    Practice! Just push that tongue forward a bit…

    *fans self* Did it just get hot in here?!!! πŸ˜‰

  3. Mary says:

    That’s something Casey totally could have helped with.

  4. Casey says:

    Following a project where one participant insisted on sealing *every* *single* *joint* between two pieces of wood, Audrey and I have taken to using “CAULK.” as an expletive to reflect frustration and indignation…

    …Particularly when I’ve gotten something sticky on my fingers. πŸ˜‰

  5. Lori says:

    It’s always so awkward when you need a larger tube of…well…anything.

    It never comes out the way you mean it to.

    But good luck with that!

  6. Paul Hood says:

    Ok, that is funny.

  7. BetNoir says:

    “err…that’ll give you bees…”

  8. Bailey says:

    I have just hurt myself laughing. Really… I even snorted…
    I know a couple of other hardware stores. You don’t have to go to Home Depot. It would just be worse there… Giggle…

  9. Roger says:

    My goodness, but I think you need a regular paid gig writing this stuff. . . . I DO so enjoy your Epistles to Kitties and most of your other writing too . . . thanks for causing me to wake the littlest one up with a guffaw πŸ™‚

  10. CJ3 says:

    I almost hurt myself and I blame you…

  11. Mouse says:

    ROFLMAO… OMG. I think I scared the kitties laughing~!!!

  12. thatkellygirl says:

    hahahahaha! Oh, good one, Rainy! (I just subscribed to your blog via my wordpress…HOW HANDY!

  13. Damon says:

    I have been to Lowe’s with friends looking for big black caulk. It was a good day! We laughed…. and laughed…

  14. Jessica says:

    I cried, I laughed so hard. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

  15. Jessica says:

    Oh oh oh! I just remembered! You also need a Pro-Caulk, too! (The amateur ones aren’t good enough!)

  16. makalove says:

    laughing. so. hard.

  17. Darlin’ you’re a public service. Think of all the holiday dinners that will be enlivened by the stories you generate for people you encounter.

    Bees-n-caulk…. There’s a message in it somewhere I tellya.

  18. Kit says:

    Oh… *collapses in laughter*
    That’s awesome !

  19. makalove says:

    just read this aloud to my Husband after work. now i have laughed-to-tears twice today, because of you, and He has joined me for this second time around. πŸ™‚

  20. knitnana says:

    OH lordy – you should have warned me…now everyone in the office is wondering what the h*** is so funny!

  21. Jules says:


    i love you

  22. keishua says:

    That’s too funny. I find the hardware stores stores and auto parts stores to be ripe for awkward experiences.

  23. Marilyn says:

    And yes you can find art supplies in a hardware store! This is too funny!

  24. ObserverX says:

    Sometimes embarrassment is worth it if you get the caulk you need.

  25. Allison B says:

    Reminds me of when I was in a hardware store on my knees looking through the bins when a male coworker saw me, said Hi, and asked why I was frustrated. My reply almost yelling, “Do you know how hard it is to find the right sized screw”? After a moment of silence we both laughed.

  26. Denise says:

    Oh my but that’s just too funny. Glad I didn’t have my teacup in my hand when I read that! That’s almost as funny as your bees story.

  27. TheLabRat says:

    Yes, Home Depot has calk. And Kwik Seal (I know, cuz I put boxes and boxes and BOXES of the stuff on pallets to ship to stores. Prolly one of them is the one nearest you!) Hmm… oh, and Plummer’s Putty, but I’m not sure if that’s the right consistency. Will have to experiment with that myself, now that you have my interest whetted. ;-D

  28. Bjo Trimble says:

    I never meant to click on this one, but who could resist finding out why you can’t return to that hardware store? And now the whole family figures I’m crazier than they originally thought. Even the dogs gathered around me to see what was the matter. I’m going to make John read this now because I need company in my hilarity. — Bjo

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