I went to the hardware store today, to get some Dap Kwik Seal for an art class, and also because my boyfriend’s machismo broke the handle of our toilet and I needed to fix it because his machismo does not extend to fixing toilets. As often happens, when I am allowed out into the world, some hilarity ensued.
I asked the rather burly, long haired, biker looking clerk where I might find the toilet handles. We were doing okay – he thought I did not need the more expensive handle, but I liked the look of the brushed chrome better than the white plastic of the cheaper model, and he recommended I get one with a metal arm instead of plastic. Negotiations were going well. It was going great. And then I asked him where I might find the Kwik Seal because I do not do much hardware type shopping (so do not know the aisles of my local ACE hardware store as well as, say, Ralph’s or Trader Joe’s), and the clerk said, “well what’s it for?” and I was all, “An art class.”
“We don’t sell art supplies.”
“Right. I know. You’re a hardware store. Which is why I am also buying a toilet flusher arm thingie. We’re using the stuff for art but you buy it in hardware stores.”
“What’s it for?”
“Well I don’t know what it’s for REALLY, I don’t do handy… things… but it’s, like, molding…. stuff… paste? It’s paste. That molds. I need it for art class and I know it’s here because they SAID the hardware store.”
And then I realized that probably he didn’t know that brand name, so he was looking for some kind of category which was why he was asking “what is it for” and molding paste stuff is a lot like what I remember caulk being like, so in a burst of brilliance, I yelled, “CAULK. I need caulk. Really big, thick, white, caulk.”
Except, the “ell” is silent in caulk. At least, I think it is? That’s how I always pronounce it anyway. We stared at each other in dawning, wide eyed horror, as it sunk in what I had just yelled… and then he silently led me to the caulk guns and tubes of handy Dap stuff, and left as quickly as he could.
There was a handyman looking kind of guy one aisle over who had been eavesdropping on our conversation and he was still on the floor laughing when I paid for my stuff and left.
I have just been reliably informed that I got the wrong size. My caulk is too small.
Which means, I need to go back tomorrow. For bigger. Um. Caulk.
On second thought, I may just go to Home Depot.