I was feeling a little bit frantic this morning, as I attempted to read through all the boards and look at all the pictures of the two groups I’m participating in. The first is Susannah Conway’s Unravelling course, which started yesterday, and of course, the Sketchbook Challenge. I was feeling a little frantic because there simply wasn’t time to do all that and check my Facebook and read my blogroll and check my groups in Ravelry and read all my emails and I wanted to get up and eat something and I needed to run errands and… you get the idea. I hadn’t even gotten to the part where I pulled out the sketchbook.
Which is sort of not the point.
So I was feeling perfectly wretched, frantically trying to whip through all this stuff and not really absorbing any of it, when the light came on.
Oh. It was another rendition of “You Have To Pick One Because You Can’t Have Everything.” Next verse, same as the first (and second, and third…)
Because naturally when I picked my word for the year, the intention I would set, it was balance. I said that this year is all about balance. What I meant by that was that I would automatically become a calm blue ocean, totally zen, easily hopping from one creative activity to another, starting a new business, taking classes, homeschooling Em, and cooking nutritious gourmet meals, looking effortless and slim in yoga pants, from all the yoga I’d be doing. While carrying 20 units at school.
And of course, now the Universe is handing me back all the things I signed up for, and saying, “Okay. Balance this.”
I do not own yoga pants. I find yoga to be… challenging. I am not a particularly calm, blue, effortless, zen ocean at heart, which was why I picked that word, because I thought maybe I could just fake it till I make it, but we won’t go there…
I don’t want to fake it. I want to BE it.
I am sitting here feeling gobsmacked by the realization that I hoard experiences like I hoard yarn or blogs to read or books. It isn’t enough to take ONE class. I have to take five. And then I freak out and can’t cope because it’s too much to handle, and ultimately I don’t absorb any of the benefit of anything.
Sometimes, in order to balance everything that matters, you have to drop the things that don’t matter as much in that moment. I am putting some things down. And that… that’s a little scary, but I think it is okay.
There are a lot of variations on the theme, “balance” and I am pretty sure the ‘verse will be opening up as many opportunities for me to explore them all this year as I can handle, while I unravel, stretch, grow and create.
For now, I will take a deep breath, keep my balance, and enjoy this first week of Unravelling…