As God Is My Witness, I Thought Vaginas Could Fly…

That’s what I imagine every time I see one of those little boxes of maxi-pads with wings. Some toiletries company executive wailing, “As God is my witness, I thought vaginas could fly!!” a la Les Nessman of WKRP.

I do not know why they make maxi pads with wings. My vagina, actually, cannot fly. Not even with an assist from the fine folks at Always. Sure, sure, I mean, I get that the wings are supposed to protect your panties from Teh Evil Stains, but honestly, they don’t work. And most of the women I know have a couple of pairs of period panties anyways. You know, the ones with the shreddy elastic and maybe there are a few tiny holes and you wouldn’t let anyone see them anyway so you don’t care about Teh Evil Stains.

See, with the wings? Invariably, what happens is… the wings attack.

That’s right. They twist up during the course of your day and suddenly without warning the adhesive comes unstuck and then it gets RESTUCK around an errant bit of vagina fluff, and then you wind up suddenly yelping in pain because OMGWINGS are attacking your pink bits. For some reason, this always happens when you’re walking in public, down the street, in the lobby of some fancy high rise office building, or on a date. Not being male, you cannot just… reach in and adjust. No. You have to walk through whatever public venue you happen to be in while trying NOT to let on that you’re getting an impromptu bikini wax a la wings. Because you are a lady, and you were raised right, and a lady simply just does not let on when that happens.

I would like some of those adhesive wings to attack that toiletries executive and give him a Surprise Brazilian. I think we’d see a change in the design strategies at Always.

Just saying.

Also? What the fuck is it with the commercials with the twirly chicks in toe shoes dancing suggestively with red balls and wearing white spandex? I do not want to twirl around in white spandex and toe shoes on a GOOD day, much less get it on with a suggestive red ball.

What I would like to see? Is a real ad. I want to see a frumpy 40 something woman in sweat pants, doubled over in pain, clutching a hot water bottle in one hand and a bottle of merlot in the other. She’ll have a thousand yard stare that seems to say, “Holy shit, this has been happening every month without fail for the LAST. TWENTY. SEVEN. YEARS. Just shoot me.” while a dozen tiny rabid ferrets do their level best to escape from her uterus. Because that’s what it’s like around here on period days. Forget the !@# toe shoes. You know that scene from Alien where the little tentacly alien baby is all like, “IMA ASPLODE FROM OUT YOUR RIBCAGE, RAWWWWR!” and everyone is all, “AAAAH!” and the alien is all, “‘SPLODE!” and the person is all, “OW!” ? You know that part? Ok, that’s exactly it, except with tiny rabid ferrets, dozens of them, and a little lower down.

i want someone to make a commercial that shows me how to deal with THAT. Except they’d do it wrong and put the !@# ferrets in toe shoes and white spandex.

Do NOT tell me to have a Happy Fucking Period, either.

And stop messing with the flowers on the fucking packages of Kotex. Bad enough you stuck wings all over my damn panties, you keep changing the packaging slightly and I keep buying the wrong products and folks, ROUTINE IS IMPORTANT. I like to know that certain things will be consistent. Pick a style of flower and go with that on the package, okay? So I will always know to buy the daisy or the lily or the, hey wait and anyway, WHAT THE HELL with the floral packaging? Is that euphemistic or something? Are we just prettifying up the process with the floral theme?

NOT A DELICATE FLOWER.

Alien ferrets with rabies.

How do these things relate?

You really want to give me a happy period, Mister Toiletries Executive? Come to my house with a pound of rib eye (rare), some red wine, a case of Brownie Batter ice cream, some Belgian chocolate pudding from Trader Joe’s, and while you’re at it, throw in an assortment of deep fried salty nibbles of deliciousness. Add a bottle of morphine, and a new Nora Roberts hardback. Put it all by my chair and back away slowly, after genuflecting slowly to the rabid alien ferrets.

Then go away.

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About Maia Rainwood

Owner and Maker at Maia Rainwood Design. Wearable art for wise women, birth keepers, witches, and world-builders.
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14 Responses to As God Is My Witness, I Thought Vaginas Could Fly…

  1. Emily H. says:

    This made me laugh. A while ago Kotex had commercials that made fun of the ones that you were describing about twirling around in white spandex skirts.

  2. Mouse says:

    PREACH IT SISTER!!!!

  3. sanil says:

    Truth.

    (Except that I actually like the wings and have never had an experience like you described. But generally, truth. :D)

  4. Torrilin says:

    Menopause. I just dream of menopause.

  5. Anne says:

    I have a friend who is counting down his days to early retirement. I always throw out my estimated days to menopause. (EDM). That usually shuts him up.

    Also, WTF is up with certain tampon brands including pithy, upbeat and encouraging sports rhetoric statements on the tampon wrappers? It seems… I dunno….. inappropriate to tell me to go out and score one for the team within that context? 😛

  6. Corrina says:

    Thank you! It’s a very yucky Friday morning here and that WKRP reference just made my morning!

  7. Bobbie says:

    Impromptu bikini wax indeed. Oh for to laff!

  8. Geogrrl says:

    YEAH. The first 2-3 days of my (usually) 7-10 day period were like. being. in. labour. Massive doses of painkillers were necessary for me to maintain minimal functionality. Even then, I felt sick and cranky and tended to bite people’s heads off. PMS, for me, had nothing on the first few days of my period.

    When I asked my mother (who had similar periods) what it had been like when she went into labour for the first time, she said that after what she’d been putting up with from her periods, she didn’t think labour was that bad.

  9. Geogrrl says:

    Oh, and the “impromptu bikini wax”. Hear, hear!

  10. Zelda says:

    I am SO with you on the changing covers front. I tend to do my shopping on autopilot after a long day arguing with the PhD and my brain. I get to the toiletries aisle and I always stop and go “Buh?” because invariably they have changed the wrappers/numbers/layout of my prefered brand and I have to read the bloody things to work out which one is which. It doesnt help that now I can get wings/no wings/flex/no flex/bodyfit/no bodyfit etc etc in all sorts of different combos and the only difference is the pattern on the wrapping wich is potentially maybe 2 lines different with the same background colour!

  11. LeAnn says:

    Brilliant! Over 30 years of periods, all just like that – I was ecstatic at the age of 42 when the hot flashes started. God bless menopause!!

    Have some chocolate, have some more wine, and stay away from firearms. 🙂

  12. Angelia says:

    This is too funny (and true!)! I recently found your blog (I’m pretty sure it was from Lucia’s blog) & am reading through your posts while eating my lunch at work. This post had me laughing/choking on my food. I totally agree with you about wings – and the rabid ferrets. Thank you!

  13. OMG! ROFLMAF! This is priceless! Thank you

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