I’ve never been a big one for the New Year’s resolutions, mainly because I tend not to keep them. It’s hard to follow through on stuff, you lose interest, old habits that are ingrained stay ingrained and new ones never quite take hold. I’ve tried saying, “Oh, I will spin one skein of yarn per month and knit one pair of socks.” Invariably, what ends up happening is that I knit no socks for 3 months, and spin 9 skeins of yarn. Or I knit nothing at all. Or I decide to knit a sweater. If I’ve learned anything in the last few years, it would be that I can’t micromanage my life that way, not really. Certainly not if I want to feel like I’ve accomplished anything at the end of it all, beyond a fat wad of FAIL.
Still… this is that time of year where we feel compelled to resolve upon things. Where we look back at the days we just lived, and we put them into some semblance of order and reconcile ourselves to the truths revealed within that order.
2009 was not the best of years for me, but it was not a horrible year either. It was a whole year that I got to live in the most fabulous little house I’ve ever dreamed of, nestled in the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains. It was the year that the biggest forest fire in LA County history came within ¼ of a mile from my little house and then stopped. On the other hand, it was the year that I broke up with someone I love dearly, and lost a friendship that was more precious to me than I knew until it was gone. It was a year where I struggled with depression and sadness, not always entirely successfully. It’s been a year where I’ve dealt with continuing emotional fallout from the dissolution of my marriage, and at the same time, one in which my ex husband and I have solidified a deep and abiding friendship.
2009 was the year in which I entered my 40’s which everyone assures me are superior in every way to the decades that have come before. It is the year I looked back at my 30’s and wondered what the hell I was thinking for much of them. And why I didn’t make more of them.
2009 was a bloody confusing mixed bag of tricks, it was. And here at the end of it, I am not much changed. I am still living in my little beloved cottage, I am still in school, and I am still parenting two lovely girls who delight me every day. I am still struggling with depression, sadness, and the breakup that has left me reeling. I am still blessed with friends around the globe, a wonderful family, and an abundance of cats who do not believe I will ever make good on my threats to bake them into pies when they are naughty. I have made some wonderful things with fiber and I am looking forward to making more of them in the days to come. If the coming year brings more of the same, I will not really consider it awful. I do not think that things must be perfect to be good. Sometimes life is bittersweet and you just have to make the very best of it that you can. I am blessed with an abundance of sweet and this never leaves me less than totally grateful.
So sure, there are things I have resolved to change. Save more money, budget wisely, be more frugal. Lose a few pounds. Eat more green vegetables and fewer French fries. Get in better shape. Knit more, spin more, study more efficiently, get better grades, ride my bike more. Go to temple more often. Learn Hebrew. Study Torah. Make better little daily choices. And who knows, I may succeed in making those changes or I may not. The future is hard to see. It’s just here anyway, right in front of us, waiting for us to create it as we go.
I think if I could resolve one firm thing as the year turns? It would be that I want to be better in every possible way, this year. That is what I’d like to create as I go.
Happy New Year to my friends, from Casa Fabulous and all who dwell within it.