I am holding on by the skin of my teeth to a solid B with the math course. My final and the last regular exam are going to be crucial and it is difficult enough right now that I honestly can’t say how it is going to go. I could slip a level, I could gear it up to an A or I could stay where I am. I’d honestly take any of the three outcomes, there’s only one I am unwilling to contemplate. I’m terribly afraid of failing and probably will be until the grades are logged into the system.
I was reading over at Levar Burton’s journal this morning. He was talking about failure and quitting smoking and success and life, and I left him a comment. Then I came over here and had a total panic about OMGMATHFAIL and am realizing that I really have to walk my talk here or I was just blowing hot air all over the internet in someone’s journal and I hate to do that. It’s rude. So, for the record? Yes, I am really afraid of failure. I failed this class already. Twice. Then life got in the way and I quit college for a while. This class was always lurking around the corner. A sphinx or something that I would have to best, if I were to continue on the journey. When I enrolled in it again at PCC a few years later, it was with this “All or nothing.” sense of throwing every iota of my being at it until I won – by sheer force of will if not skill or innate smarts. The fact that I’m doing ok at it now has a lot to do with 6 hours of study every night and 8-9 per day on the weekends.
I took last night off doing homework completely. Instead, I finished spinning up some fiber, turned the heel on my sock and ignored the nagging sense of guilt. I think I am glad I did. I needed the mental break. It means that I can stay the course. For the last push. This will all be over next week. No matter what that letter grade winds up being, I know I’ll have done my best, but I can at least be honest enough to cop to a huge fear of failure and a lot of anxiety. I have a lot of Self wrapped up in beating this subject to the ground. In winning. A lot of this is me giving the finger to past failures. It would be funny and ironic if I were to faceplant into a cream pie at the last minute, because I began looking back at failure instead of ahead, at where I’m going as I run forward. “Funny” like, “Does this taste funny to you?” or “Something smells funny, I think a possum is dead under the house.” not “Hahaha! Oh my god that’s hysterical!” A cream pie is only funny to the guy throwing it and the folks watching, after all.
So there ya go, Levar (though I don’t flatter myself that you’ll read this) I’ve got a horse in the FAIL race too. We do the best we can. Sometimes it’s really scary. Still, it’s nice when we can share the process.