I never mix my pies. Throw more brandy.

I am holding on by the skin of my teeth to a solid B with the math course. My final and the last regular exam are going to be crucial and it is difficult enough right now that I honestly can’t say how it is going to go. I could slip a level, I could gear it up to an A or I could stay where I am. I’d honestly take any of the three outcomes, there’s only one I am unwilling to contemplate. I’m terribly afraid of failing and probably will be until the grades are logged into the system.

I was reading over at Levar Burton’s journal this morning. He was talking about failure and quitting smoking and success and life, and I left him a comment. Then I came over here and had a total panic about OMGMATHFAIL and am realizing that I really have to walk my talk here or I was just blowing hot air all over the internet in someone’s journal and I hate to do that. It’s rude. So, for the record? Yes, I am really afraid of failure. I failed this class already. Twice. Then life got in the way and I quit college for a while. This class was always lurking around the corner. A sphinx or something that I would have to best, if I were to continue on the journey. When I enrolled in it again at PCC a few years later, it was with this “All or nothing.” sense of throwing every iota of my being at it until I won – by sheer force of will if not skill or innate smarts. The fact that I’m doing ok at it now has a lot to do with 6 hours of study every night and 8-9 per day on the weekends.

I took last night off doing homework completely. Instead, I finished spinning up some fiber, turned the heel on my sock and ignored the nagging sense of guilt. I think I am glad I did. I needed the mental break. It means that I can stay the course. For the last push. This will all be over next week. No matter what that letter grade winds up being, I know I’ll have done my best, but I can at least be honest enough to cop to a huge fear of failure and a lot of anxiety. I have a lot of Self wrapped up in beating this subject to the ground. In winning. A lot of this is me giving the finger to past failures. It would be funny and ironic if I were to faceplant into a cream pie at the last minute, because I began looking back at failure instead of ahead, at where I’m going as I run forward. “Funny” like, “Does this taste funny to you?” or “Something smells funny, I think a possum is dead under the house.” not “Hahaha! Oh my god that’s hysterical!” A cream pie is only funny to the guy throwing it and the folks watching, after all.

So there ya go, Levar (though I don’t flatter myself that you’ll read this) I’ve got a horse in the FAIL race too. We do the best we can. Sometimes it’s really scary. Still, it’s nice when we can share the process.

Advertisements

About Maia Rainwood

Owner and Maker at Maia Rainwood Design. Wearable art for wise women, birth keepers, witches, and world-builders.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I never mix my pies. Throw more brandy.

  1. Geogrrl says:

    I made it through my math classes and moved on to an advanced degree. Math is not my forte by a long shot. I’m strictly a plodder and I must work through the logic completely or I’m lost.

    The only way I could study for my math exams was the way I got through the course. Practise, practise, practise. I would go back through the areas covered, pick out problems, and work or re-work them. If I ran into difficulties, I’d get help. If I did this, my math exams were a dawdle. I wasn’t an “A” student in math, but I got solid “B”s.

    Take a page from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”–Don’t Panic! Stay as calm as you can (knitting and spinning help, of course).

  2. Knitnana says:

    Good advice above there….so deep breath and plod through. That’s how I did it, too.
    and remember – knitting is good for developing the math aspects of the brain, so you’ve set yourself up to do well, already!
    (((hugs)))

  3. Marilyn says:

    Good luck with the math. Enjoyed the pie throwing.

  4. Bri says:

    Of all of my math teachers, my favourite was actually my algebra teacher, which was ironic given I don’t to this day like algebra, and have discovered people either have algebra minds or geometry minds and I am very strongly in the latter category. He (being a man that had a ‘the Joy of Mathematics’ book on his bookshelf) used to encourage us by telling us he had gotten a D in algebra when he first learned it and telling us not to kid ourselves that it should be easy.

    What I am trying to say is that, having since taken many many higher math classes, Algebra was still one of the harder ones for me, so don’t think your struggles are because it’s you.

    Good luck!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s