I was feeling pretty miserable on Thursday morning after my shower – I’ve missed my mom a lot this weekend and was in kinda a pookie mood so I put on my very favorite Oscar the Grouch underpants, the ones that are green and say “I Feel Grouchy Today!” which are my cranky day panties. Some women wear special panties when they’re feeling sexy, me, I wear special panties when I’m in a bad mood. My poor husband. Actually, he’d like to point out that I have at least THREE pairs of ranty panties because I often have grumpy days, and that the panties choice in the morning is something of a barometer and… hey! Careful there, Ace…. I have an Oscar shirt, too, for when I need it to be obvious to my family that there is DANGER here. Maybe I need to put that on.
Anyway, moving on…
All day, ALL Turkey Day, nothing fit right, nothing felt right, my clothes were uncomfortable. I looked at myself in the mirror and was depressed, which prompted a resolution to lose some WEIGHT already. I felt a little confused too, because the weight gain seemed to have come on SO fast. Like, overnight. I spent most of Thanksgiving Day with my legs going numb from my knickers cutting off circulation to my lower extremities and feeling very cranky for it. Why, you ask, did you not just change your knickers? In fact, brave little toaster that he is, the husband asked just this question. Twice. Ah. Well. One word. Denial. Yes, see, I was DENYING the panties were too tight, denying the fact that I suddenly seemed to have sprouted a butt zeppelin. I was trying to convince myself that the panties were just a little tight from being washed maybe in hot water and they would STRETCH BACK OUT TO THEIR RIGHT SIZE. I was denying the fact that my ass looked like a pound of sausage forced into a half pound sausage casing. IT WAS NOT HAPPENING, LA LA LA LA LA. This kept me going all day, though numb thighs and unsightly bulges, you bet. NEVER underestimate the power of a woman who is denying that her panties just don’t fit anymore because her ASS IS SO BIG (husband cannot be reached for comment however, there was a long suffering sigh from the bed just now, so…)
Cut to last night when, I was going through my underwear drawer looking for socks and discovered a pair of Oscar the Grouch panties in green, that read “I Feel Grouchy Today” and I looked over at the hamper and no, the Oscar the Grouch panties were in there and what the hell was going on…. and the penny dropped. See, when I got my ranty panties, the teenager coveted them and used her allowance to buy ranty panties of her very own, only, in a size petite-not-a-butt-zeppelin-more-like-a-size-ZERO-or-maybe-a-two. And me, I am not a size two. I am so not a size two. I’m about the farthest thing from a size two you can get and still shop at a stick figure store 25% of the time.
You might see where I am going with this.
I tried the mystery panties on just to check and LO they fit! I do not have a butt zeppelin! The unsightly bulges are gone! This is the WORLD’S FASTEST DIET! I look amazing!!
I ate all that pie and my butt got smaller!!!
My mood also improved IMMEDIATELY. In honor of this, I am wearing Ernie.
That is my story and I am sticking to it.