1. Your employers. The people you nanny for? They are not equestrians. The riding gear you found in the closet is not for horses. Oh, never mind. You’ll figure it out one day but sweetie girl, I gotta tell you. In this life, there are gonna be some things you just really don’t want to understand. Truth.
2. Jerry Garcia is not a bodhisattva and you do not need to make darshan to his shows to be blessed.
3. There really is such a thing as too much tie dye and you’ve crossed the line. It’s like leather. One piece at a time is really sufficient to make a fashion statement.
4. You’re beautiful. You are also thin. Stop believing you’re fat. You’re never going to look this hot again, in your entire life. Have fun with it. When people look at you, they are not thinking “Oh dear god the horror.” Believe me.
5. I know you think patchouli is the hottest scent ever but there will come a time when all it will make you think of is unwashed hippies with morning breath living in the back of VW busses. Trust me on this one.
6. It’s a bunch of hippies sitting in a circle drumming badly, not a spiritual experience. Also? You’re not going out of body and becoming more enlightened, you’re just smoking too much pot.
7. Don’t date him. No, I don’t care who he is – just don’t date him. In fact, anyone you want to date for the next 2 years? Don’t. You’ll regret it.
8. In about 2 years, you’re going to find yourself pregnant and single after a particularly weird night at the Ren. Faire. Please don’t quit your very stable, very good job and move to Roseville of all places. Have the baby, but stay in Berkeley. We’ll work it out. You don’t want to date this guy either, so see #7 and make it 3 years.
9. You have college money. Use it to go to college. No, COLLEGE. God, have I mentioned, you’re an idiot?
10. It’s a mistake to move to a commune in the Oregon countryside, raise llamas, chickens, goats and grind your own flour. You’ll be cold, broke and miserable. Your communemates will be wankers. Even the tie dye won’t make up for the suckitude. So when someone suggests moving to Oregon? Run.